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SUBJECT:
Made a Sketch. Will You Critique?
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Sethward Allison
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Posted:
6/11/2012 4:40:19 PM
So I'm just looking for some honest critisism. If you've ever worked in comedy you know that when you're neck deep in production you lose track of how funny the joke is. Let me know if we succeded or let me know what you might have done differently.
Hungry Face:
www.youtube.com/watch
Thanks so much!!
-Sethward
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REPLIES: 15 |
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WeaselFlix
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Posted:
6/12/2012 4:58:09 PM
Pretty well shot. Good concept and payoff. I think timing is really everything in comedy. Editing is as crucial as performances when it comes to a good laugh.
My only critique is that the pacing is a bit slow in the edit. It could be tighter and therefore would be more successful in getting big laughs. The problem I have is the payoff comes after too much lead in with the third guy. I think it spends too much time with the third guy not seeing typical food and that telegraphs the joke at the end. Your shocking payoff should be a surprise and with the current pacing you run the risk of people figuring out your joke before the punchline.
Nicley done and my opinion certainly won't speak for everyone. I'm anxious to see what others have to say. Hope this helps a bit.
P
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Sethward Allison
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Posted:
6/14/2012 10:41:04 AM
Yeah I totally see what you're saying. I think, like you said, our biggest problem is that if people do decide to watch it they don't stick around till the end, which would make the sketch less than funny... ha ha
Thanks again for watching and for the input!!!
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Mike Conway
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Posted:
6/14/2012 11:33:54 PM
Everything worked for me. I was definitely shocked at the ending - horrific and funny - I really didn't see that coming. Great work!
Would you mind me playing that to a crowd? I'm holding an event this weekend (Las Vegas IndieMeet) and this would probably go over really well.
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RocketCar
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Posted:
6/15/2012 9:37:00 PM
No complaints here... worked for me. I liked the pace... performances were good too... good job.
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Vince Rocca
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Posted:
6/16/2012 7:10:15 PM
Good for me too. And ya got me to watch a YouTube ad, so ya make a couple cents off me. Woo Hoo!
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Mike Conway
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Posted:
6/17/2012 6:36:16 AM
Our crowd loved it, btw!
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DARANGULAFILM
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Posted:
6/17/2012 9:13:07 AM
This scenario, except two instead of three was premised in an old semi-fictional documentary novel by legendary Australian writer Ion Idriess, "The Wild White Man Of Badu", long overdue for feature movie treatment. Two escaped convicts, both having to eat, in a dinghy in the Torres Strait, facing each other, waiting for the first man to fall asleep.
Although this short film was a comedy, I thought I had the ending tied up, so it was a much darker ambush than I thought was coming. Keep them coming.
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The Talking Egg Roll
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Posted:
6/18/2012 9:29:38 PM
not very funny. you missed the comedic potential of the scene.
you seem to be talking the plot instead of implying it with visual clues
for example-- the line "we haven't eaten for days" should be cut.
the writing was not so good
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SLEEPTILLNOONPRO
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Posted:
6/19/2012 10:08:53 AM
Very well done. In more ways than one. Congrats Sethward!
Reminds me of the ending of " A BOY AND HIS DOG."
"Well, I'd certainly say she had marvelous judgment, Albert, if not particularly good taste."
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SLEEPTILLNOONPRO
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Posted:
6/19/2012 10:24:28 AM
This scenario, except two instead of three was premised in an old semi-fictional documentary novel by legendary Australian writer Ion Idriess, "The Wild White Man Of Badu", long overdue for feature movie treatment. Two escaped convicts, both having to eat, in a dinghy in the Torres Strait, facing each other, waiting for the first man to fall asleep.
Thanks Darangula for mentioning Mr. Idriess. Never heard of him until now. I googled and discovered he was one the most fascinating individuals who ever existed.
World War One sniper. Prospector, miner, pearl diver, rancher, professional hunter, world traveler..the list goes on. Wrote over 40 books and hundreds of articles including a series of books on how to conduct guerilla warfare if Imperial Japan invaded Australia. His first book was called, "Madman's Island." What a great title for a movie!
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MotionCity
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Posted:
6/19/2012 10:48:40 AM
Tracking the "food faces" was well done. The frying pan cut totally worked. Thumbs up and may I see another.
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Sethward Allison
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Posted:
6/20/2012 6:42:07 PM
Thanks so much again you guys for watching!! And thanks for sharing Mike!!! I'll have to check out Ion Idriess, he sounds like a MAN of MEN!
We make a video just about every other week so I'll be sure and post our next one!!
If you like, here is a playlist of our best work thus far, Best of Sethward
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Bob
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Posted:
6/27/2012 7:10:25 AM
I'm still trying to figure out where Seth came from (he wasn't in the opening wide shot) and why he had a frying pan at the beach but no beer.
Continuity problems aside, I agree that the dialog was a bit uninspired, but the effect tracking was good. I also agree that the timing was "off." It could have been faster with the dialog, or slower, and intercut with more visuals to set up the situation. Something showing how long they've been at the beach without food like a rusty tin that once held food, a long time ago, perhaps.
That said, kudos on shooting something every other week!
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Mike Conway
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Posted:
6/27/2012 2:49:09 PM
Hi, Bob!!! Long time, no talky. Seth is in the opening wide shot, look again. The first time I saw it, I thought the same thing, until I showed this on the big screen at IndieMeet. One guy is on the left, while the two face dudes are sitting very close together, on the right - one is behind he other.
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Bob
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Posted:
7/2/2012 12:53:48 AM
You're right. Now I see him.
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